I'm frustrated with my response to the confirmation by my doctor yesterday that Peter is still breech. I thought I was prepared for the news and would be able to take it in stride, but have found myself struggling to get out of an emotional funk since the appointment. I'm quickly cycling through 3 drastically different attitudes about it:
Let's call attitude #1 the "Bitter Post-Babyloss Mama." It says:
Suck it up,... it doesn't matter in the long run. Just be grateful that he's healthy! There are women who struggle with infertility for years, and that experience loss after loss that would love to have a baby by C-Section or otherwise. You of all people should know that a healthy LIVING baby is all that matters in the end. How dare you care HOW you get your baby,... you're getting him. End of story.
Attitude #2 I'll name the "Misplaced Entitlement Mama." It says:
Aren't I due an intervention free birth experience after Jude? Didn't I earn the chance to bring a healthy baby into the world in a fairly natural and "normal" way? Isn't it only fair that I get the opportunity to redeem the terrifying/heartbreaking experience of giving birth to Jude by bringing his brother into the world the way I want to?
Whine, whine, whine,.....
Attitude #3 is the "Abiding Mama." It says:
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Be still and know that I AM God. In ALL things God works for the good of those that love him.
I don't like the first two. I hate that those attitudes crop up in my mind. They layer on guilt for how I feel. They cause thoughts like: maybe I don't deserve this baby at all if I can't gratefully accept his arrival however it happens. Thoughts of inadequacy and guilt that don't belong in the mind of a Child of God. And underlying it all is the idea that: "there's still time for something to go wrong." I'm still not guaranteed that this boy will live and be ok in the end.
I want desperately to rest completely in attitude #3. But there are still pieces of me harboring bitterness, entitlement, and fear that I will once again be asked to relinquish that which I hold most dear.
I'm praying against these attitudes and thoughts. I'm praying for a return to the peace that I have been able to cling to the last few months.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
We're still praying he'll flip on his own, but my doctor said the chances of that happening at this point are pretty small. So we're scheduling a External Cephalic Version for next week. That's where they manually flip the baby by basically shoving him around from the outside. Not a very pleasant experience from what I've heard, but it at least gives us a chance at going into labor naturally. The down sides are that there is only about 50/50 chance or less that it will work, and there's a tiny chance that something could go wrong and we'd have to do an emergency C-section on the spot. There's also a good chance if it IS successful that he could just flip back around before I go into labor on my own.
We'd appreciate your partnership in prayer that the version would be successful and that he would stay put afterwards!
And here's last weeks belly picture, just for kicks and giggles: